Rose
by Lives Lived in Pages
Summary: Rose Tyler's view of the Doctor- loving him, losing him, hating him, revering him, and realizations from opinions of those who feel the same.


_Author's note:_ This is my first venture into fan fiction writing, although I have read a few. I am by no means a professional writer. I'm inspired by many people's passion, creativity and enthusiasm about expanding and exploring the fictional stories and worlds which they love. I love Doctor Who and was inspired to write this short piece on Rose, since she was my first companion. As it often is with fan fiction, I took liberties with cannon but oh well, it's fan fiction.

There's always the standard disclaimer at the beginning where the author declares his or her non-infringement intents. I haven't read anywhere that that's absolutely necessary since this is a fan fiction website and obviously people writing here don't own any of the original characters, worlds, story lines, or content. They're simply flattering the original creators and their art by engaging with it. So yeah...me too.

 **Rose**

For the first 19 years of my life, nothing happened. Nothing at all. Then I met a man called the Doctor. How do I begin to describe him? The first time I met him, I almost died. Every time after that, I almost die. The first opinion about the Doctor when I started all this was when I looked up the doctor on the internet and met crazy conspiracist Clive Finch. He said, "The Doctor is a legend woven throughout history. When disaster comes he's there. He brings a storm in his wake and he has only one constant companion. Death." I quickly learned that was true but I also realized you can't die unless you've lived and the Doctor made me alive. I knew next to nothing about him but I liked who I was when I was with him. He made be better, so I traveled with him and experienced who he was for myself. He said humans were apes but surely he didn't mean me. He had chosen me.

When I met a former companion of his, Sarah Jane, I suddenly realized how little I actually knew him. It was a slap in the face. How could I have thought I was that special? Especially after he had changed his face, he was more open and friendly. I thought he'd become attracted to me. I remembered a time when I was younger. I'd given all my heart to a boy who dazzled me only to have it broken. I knew I was repeating the mistake. Though at first I disliked Sarah Jane for the cruel reality she thrust in my eyes, I knew she had been in my exact shoes. "The universe has to move forward. Pain and loss, they define us as much as happiness or love. Whether it's a world, or a relationship... Everything has its time. And everything ends." she said to me. I plucked up the courage to ask, "What do I do? Do I stay with him?" I wanted her to say no, leave him. I wanted her to tell me to go live my life and get out now before I was in too deep, before I lost myself. But she had said, "Yes, some things are worth getting your heart broken for." I knew I would stay. I knew I was in too deep and was already willingly offering up my heart for sacrifice.

Once, we met Madame De Pompadour in 1756 on a spaceship. I thought I would lose the Doctor then. I don't mean like he would die, he's too good for that, but like he would not be mine 's the thing about the Doctor. You start thinking you're the only one and he chose you so there must be something special but he just always has to rescue any damsel in distress and you realize he can just as easily choose another. On that space ship, I was almost cut into bits by android robots but that wasn't even the scariest thing that happened. I wasn't even scared that Mickey and I were stuck on some space ship in whatever time it was, in whatever forsaken place in the universe, with no way to get home. My faith did not waver. I knew the Doctor would return. No, my greatest fear was that he was WITH her. I knew he had to save her and I wanted that of course. We couldn't let her die. But when he returned and immediately went back for her, all my fears came true. It was a worser nightmare than any monster or alien we could have encountered. I had pushed down the tears and resolved myself to be okay with his choices. After all, we were not exclusive. There wasn't even an official "us." I may have loved him but he had never declared any sort of romantic feelings for me. I wanted him happy and if she made him happy, I would suffer it. When he returned without her, sulking and sad, I shared his sadness but I couldn't help feeling relief along with tremendous guilt for my relief at the expense of his heartbreak. Pompous though she was, she certainly spoke truth when she said, "One may tolerate a world of demons for the sake of an angel." That about sums up the Doctor and how I love him. He breaks my heart and every time I'm with him I come so close to death but I would do it all over again to have him save me or to have the chance to save him.

On one of my jumps to back to the Doctor's dimension, trying to find him, I met a woman named River on the planet of Darillium. River was enigmatic. She knew exactly who I was and knew my whole history even though I had never met her. It was instantly apparent that she knew the Doctor because who else would know me except for through the Doctor. He is my claim to fame as they say. Indeed she revealed that she _was_ well acquainted with the Doctor and had just come from spending time with him, although I could tell it was not MY Doctor. My jealousy reared but I couldn't hate her. I saw myself in her: in her wistful voice, in her eyes full of longing, in her face full of love as she told me, "When you run with the Doctor, it feels like it'll never end. But however hard you try you can't run forever. Everybody knows that everybody dies and nobody knows it like the Doctor. But I do think that all the skies of all the worlds might just turn dark if he ever for one moment, accepts it."

On another jump, I met a boy in 1913 called Tim Latimer. Somehow when he met the Doctor, the Doctor was human. The Doctor was just hiding though and changed back to his Time Lord self, saving everyone and serving punishment to the alien threat. Tim revered the Doctor but I could tell he had a dose of awe and fear. He said, "He's like fire and ice and rage. He's like the night, and the storm in the heart of the sun. He's ancient and forever. He burns at the center of time and he can see the turn of the universe. And... he's wonderful."

Still on another jump, I met a future companion, an Amy Pond. She was pretty and ginger. My ever-present jealousy reared only a little this time since she told me her husband also traveled with the Doctor. Even without her husband, Rory, I felt myself liking her. She got the Doctor to do domestics. But I felt her frustrations as they were torn, trying to live two lives, the "real life" and the life with the Doctor. "Every time we flew away with the Doctor, we'd just become part of his life. But he never stood still long enough to become part of ours." I understood that but felt I couldn't relate to it. To me, the doctor was my whole life, my real life; everything else was the "other."

The first time I was stuck here in this parallel world and he sent his courtesy good-bye, I felt my heart rip for him. He said he was burning up a sun just to say good-bye. I wept until my body ached from using up all its water for tears. I had my mom, my dad, Mickey, Jake, and even had a little brother on the way but who did he have? Who would hold his hand? Who would save him when he needed saving? Who would stop him when his rage became too much? I poured my heart out to him and I barely dared to hope he would return my love. He said, "Rose Tyler…" but that sentence was never finished. After those two words, I needed to hear how it was going to end. I couldn't think of anything else. So I held on to hope and I worked tirelessly to find a way back to him. I was even secretly thankful when the stars started going out because it meant Torchwood's help and more resources poured into the quest, _my_ quest, to find the Doctor. I knew each time I jumped across dimensions I was ripping a hole in time and space but I didn't care, if only it took me back to him. He could fix it later. I saw so many places and so many people, all who had encountered the doctor but I never did find him until that dark night on the streets. And then, he died before my eyes. Except he didn't. Having gone through one of his regenerations already, I anticipated that he would one day regenerate again, of course. In my mind, I'd gone over every possible kind of person he might become, always wondering whether he would still want me. I promised myself I would still love him no matter what but that day, seeing him glow gold with regeneration energy, I couldn't help but regret that I didn't get more time with this version of him. He regenerated and he was still him.

But he left me once again and for the last time in this parallel universe and I hated him. He was heartless and cruel. I knew he would never and could never say it back but still, I silenced my breath in the naive hope that I would hear him utter those words to me. I was even fine with it if he left me in this place if only he could leave me with those words to comfort me and let me know I had meant something, that I won't become like Sarah Jane. But in the end he chose to protect his pride, "Does it need saying?" Those words shattered me. When his other self whispered his love into my ears, I was seething inside. Did he think I was a fool? It was his plan all along to reject me and have his other self convince me he would be better for me. It was his way of placating me and I was furious that he thought he could stick me with an imitation. My last attempt at making him stay was a cheap shot. I played the jealousy card and kissed his other self in hopes that he would snap to some realization that he did love me and want me. Truly, he did not love me. I realize now he didn't say it because he knew he didn't trust himself to mean it. He knew he couldn't keep all the silent promises that those words would bind him to. Sadly, in the the end my addiction was too strong, so I gave in and accepted his peace offering. His human self was just as rejected as I was and I knew I would love him if only because we shared a common hurt.

Funny, Clive Finch was right. I should have known to run. Yet, after everything, it's foolish but I can't bring myself to regret any of it. To some, the Doctor is a hero, a savior, and a good man. To others, he is a madman with a box, the destroyer of worlds, a man with a God complex. They are all correct. He is called Time Lord, he's lived for hundreds of years, traveled the whole universe and then some, but do you know what I think? He is just as lost as anyone, trying to act on what his judgement calls right and save everyone, in need of a savior himself but never really believing it so he can continue to justify his actions. My heart is so broken. I had known it all along, even if I thought I would be the exception. In my anger, I convince myself I only pity him but I know the truth. After all this time, I still love him.


End file.
